We also need a South American player in the team, just to make the set complete.

I propose I be delegated to approach Juan Sebastien Veron to take over as Chairman, Manager and Captain. I will fly (by aeroplane) to Argentina and meet with El Brujito and outline our plan. He will of course quit his current job and come straight back with me with a suitcase of used dollars and the contact for moody Italian passports for Argentinians.

We will take over the club and start bringing in as many South Americans as we can on the aforementioned moody Italian passports. With Juan’s contacts I’m sure we won’t need to worry about paying off Buckle or the old board.

To effect this plan, I need you all to start pledging money for my ticket, expenses and passport.

We also need a list of South American players, especially including a Uruguayan Hatchet Man Midfielder.

I thank you.

Dr John Dee
Maximum Leader of the Church of Black Arab

They’ve got a new out-of-town stadium, with plenty of parking, and after I had parked somewhere easy and convenient at 3.03pm, I walked up to the ground and could hear the fans singing. It put a spring in my step, especially after I realised that, as usual, it was the Gasheads away contingent. They are a boisterous lot. If I were a schoolteacher, they would be the class that I would look to avoid. Noisy black arabs.

£22 poorer, I went into their spanking new ground, took my seat, and saw us put a couple of neat passes together before a decent shot on target. The bloke next to me said it was our first though, and we had been under the cosh for all of the first 10 minutes.

It was an interesting game, with both sides trying to string together some good passing football and succeeding and failing in equal measure. Their big centre forward, the one who was once meant to be coming to us (Platt?) had a header cleared off the line, but we had some good efforts too and Goal Machine Hinton had an excellent and powerful header from a corner stopped by an equally excellent reflex save by the amusingly named Gerken.

Ronnie Lescott put together a silky move down the left, and was shaping for a shot on the edge of the box before he remembered he is a defender and then managed to confuse himself into mucking it up. He had us going for a couple of seconds though, and the blokes behind me were shouting ‘shoot!’ every time he got the ball after that.

As the half went on we seemed to me to get more and more into the game, but it was honours even at half-time, and that seemed about right to me. The half was probably notable for old chicken legs’ whistle, which blew a lot and rarely in our direction. Nothing new there then.

Their new 'community' stadium, the one that they haven’t won at yet, had a good shop with proper beer and a decent range at your usual new stadium inflated prices. No matter, I thought, this is a really nice ground, with 4 good stands without the corners filled in (except for a big screen), and I was trying to work out why I like it more than most of the modern plastic places. I still don’t know why though. They've got a reasonable team, and a great ground, its a good job we brought some fans to help them complete the experience, I thought. There really weren't many of them.

Second half we started as we had finished the first, winning a few corners along the way. We weren’t excellent, we did our usual thing of defending very deep and looking to play good passing football, but we did have a bit of an edge about us at the front.

Eventually, Lambo got a free header from one of our corners and buried it in their onion bag. Good football and a good goal. Huzzah!

We were still jubilant when their manager Symons brought on ex-82 Gillespie, which gave us a handy outlet for all our excitement.

Although they came back at us and passed it around quite nicely, like us all last season they lacked guile or punch at the front. It got a bit fractious for a while, with Lambo and Disley both getting pointlessly booked, but towards the end Rovers got the upper hand again and we held out reasonably comfortably.

There were a couple of moments of excitement – one when the lino carefully held the corner flag so that the Col U guy could take his corner easily (surely that can’t be allowed?), and another when Flapper and one of our centre backs had a bit of a ‘gentlemen’s excuse me’,letting each other deal with a ball that we heading slowly goalward, but overall we weren’t too bad at all.

Apart from one great cross in the first half and two defensive headers in the second, Hughes played like a celebrity player who was only on the pitch for charity – running when it suited him and adopting whatever position he was in the mood for. Why Trolls didn’t bring on JJ, who played 80 minutes in the week, I don’t know – but then he rarely makes changes so I probably shouldn’t have been surprised.

Duffy ran about a lot and worked hard, but his achievement was modest. Hunt came on for the last 10, but didn’t do a lot better. Lambo is still the one through whom all good things flow, though Campbell also had a good game both going backwards and forwards. Their manager said on the radio that they had prepared for our set pieces as it is one of our strengths, which surprised me but it was definitely true today.

My MOM was Danny Coles, who won every header at the back and stuck his foot in a few times when it was crucial. Their number 11 was good (Yeates), though the apparently albino Perkins covered an awful lot of ground and seemed to be the engine of the team before he went off.

Ronnie had a good game too, as did Chris Lines, so overall there was nothing much to complain about. We weren’t great, but we were a little bit better than them and we got the rub of the green which gave us 3 points.

At the final whistle Campbell celebrated like it was a cup final. It was clear how much he cared, and this just might be the win that gives us the confidence that will bring it all together again.

And City lost 3-0, so it all brightened up what could have been a very dull day in Essex.

It was a very nice stand in a pretty decent ground, though with an unfinished bit of building which looked like ‘credit crunch corner’. I can’t help but think that it’s only a matter of time before the Mem looks like that, though some would say it would be an improvement.

Vicarage Road is one of those old grounds situated slap bang in the middle of a residential area, which is perhaps why the Watford fans keep so quiet. There was a decent turn-out from the Gasheads, especially for a League Cup round 1 match on a wet Tuesday evening, and they were, as usual, noisy and boisterous.

One large Gashead, sat next to Roger Cooper, was wearing a smart suit with a very bright tie in Watford yellow, which was diplomatic but let the side down a bit I thought. A fry in the ointment, you might say.

After an over-long build up, including an odd sort of a chap on PA, the teams came out and shook hands in the new FA-endorsed format. The bloke next to me said it looks silly and won’t last past this season, and I couldn’t help but agree with him.

We were wearing our new Cowlin blue quarters, which fortunately look just like our old Rovers blue quarters under floodlights, and fielded our current top team of Flapper, The Lord and Fatboy at the back, Alright Aaron and Pipey at the sides, Cams and Dis in the middle with Hughes and Lines running the lines, and Duffy and Lambo up front. I don’t know if Watford fielded their strongest 11 or not.

We kicked off with the usual move, and for the first 15 minutes or so both teams tried to play football. I found it quite entertaining, but it did lack a bit of bite, and the bloke next to me said it was like watching a ‘powder-puff’ pre-season game. I knew what he meant.

Elliot fell over outside our box, the big pudding, but then so did the Watford guy, and it was clear that the players were finding it a bit of a skid-pan. I don’t know if that was why we were standing off them at the back, but I thought that if we continued to give them time and space in our half then they’d make us pay at some stage.

It was fairly well matched, though I thought that Watford had a bit more bite at the front. Flapper pulled a good cross out of the air early doors, and then got down to save a shot. Watford should have scored after one of our clearances bounced off a Rovers face and into the path of one of their forwards, but the bloke’s first touch was with his kneecap and he really made a bit of a flub of it.

For the first 20 minutes or so, they belied their reputation as a physical side, though they seemed to try more and more little digs and shirt-pulls as the match wore on. The manager is apparently trying to get them to play a more fluid style, and my guess is that they are still working on it. They did move it around quite well though, but maybe we should expect that from a Championship side.

Elliot generally looked quite good, making some key interventions, and Aaron Lescott seems to have picked up where he left off last season, looking very composed except for one instance where the Watford winger did him for speed, though Aaron got away with a sly shirt pull. We looked decent though, always confident on the ball and looking to create (the best thing about watching Trolls’ Rovers in my view), and Duffy got a decent shot in near the end of the half.

Towards the end of half-time the heavens opened again for about 10 minutes of tropical rainfall. The Gasheads for some reason struck up with a retro medley which included Ollie Holloway and Ooh Aar He’s a Latvian. A nice touch, I thought.

We dominated more and more as the second half developed, and it was turning into a classic ‘last season’ performance of us playing some very nice stuff but lacking a cutting edge at the front. Elliot wasted a free kick from a very good position, Duffy did almost nothing that I noticed, and Hughes best moment was with a clearing defensive header.

Though it wasn’t clear-but, Watford seemed to be there for the taking if only we had anyone who could do any taking. Riggy ran up and down the byeline in a pair of JKD’s horrible boots (the bloke next to me said that you’ve got to wear black boots nowadays if you want to stick out from the crowd), then Willo came on for Duffy and made an immediate impact in winning a corner. He, at least, seemed to have some understanding with Lambo when he slipped into the old routine of trying to run onto Lambo’s flicks.

Hughes went off too, but whoever replaced him can’t have made much impact as I can’t remember who it was. We were pushing for a winner, but on the 88th minute two of our midfielders made a bit of a muddle, and Watford were clean through. Their guy buried it in the bag, and we finally heard from their fans.

That spared us all extra-time, I suppose, and we weren’t really too bad at all (to be honest, I think I’d be more worried if I were a Watford fan), but it was way too much like last year. Duffy and Hughes looked very poor value based on tonight’s showing, and The Lord is still not back to top form. Lescott looked good, and Elliot looked solid, though he didn’t win all the headers. Frankly, it was a very ordinary night indeed.

Traditional desert Arab head dress, which evolved from turbans in ancient times. Essential for protecting the eyes, nose, mouth, ears and face from sand. Can also be used as a neck warmer or hand towel. Scarf is high quality stitch. Worn by soldiers in Iraq and Afganistan and abroad. Retains heat and absorbs sweat in warm/hot conditions. Imported.

Thekeffiyeh is also known as a shmagh, shemagh or yashmag, a ghutra or a hatta, and is a traditional headdress of Arab men, made of a square of cloth ("scarf"), folded and wrapped in various styles around the head. It is commonly found in arid climate areas to provide protection from direct sun exposure, as well as for occasional use in protecting the mouth and eyes from blown dust and sand.

The Gasheads were, as usual, there in numbers but also in particularly fine voice. The away stand is an old-fashioned one with pillars and a resonant low roof, and it sounded even louder when tucked under there. The only competition was from the tannoy, which was the loudest I’ve ever heard at any football match, and was maybe installed to make up for the library-like atmosphere everywhere else in the ground.

Anyway, we were all in a good mood, there was much fancy-dress (my own favourites were the Smurfs, though the Tangomen were also good, as was Superman and various other superheroes dotted around the stand). For some reason, the Smurfs and Tangomen got a police escort away from the ground – is painting yourself a funny colour the new Stone Island?

Trolls fielded a pretty standard side with Brilliant and the Lord at the back middle, with JJ and Dog at the sides, Rigg, Lines, Campbell and Pipe across the middle, and Dis and Lambo playing funny positions towards the front. Orient didn’t start Ibehre, who never scores except against us when he always does, and none of their line-out stood out for me on paper.

 It was a useful start with Rovers having a lot of possession before one of the Orient strikers had an open goal from 6 feet out and managed to scoop it over the bar. It wasn’t easy to do, so well done that man! Rovers continued brightly before, on their second attack, one of the Orient forwards nipped on goal through before Phillips pulled him down with the lightest of contacts. She fell over, but the ref had no choice but to give it, and the O slipped it calmly into the middle of the goal while Phillips dived. Heigh ho.

Rovers attacked a bit, but Orient then had a good spell until half-time. Then Rovers found their form, and started to put plenty of attacks together with, shock horror, several decent attempts on goal. Pipey wasn’t getting much change out of their full-back, and his crosses were pretty woeful too, but one bounced back out to Captain Campbell on the wing and I thought by golly we might get a decent delivery this time. Campbell did it superbly, and Lambert won a clean header to bury it in the back of their onion bag. 1-1, and we were well worth it.

Orient had a couple more chances, but Rovers had rather more, and though I thought we had the better of the half it could have been 4-4 at half-time. They didn’t look much really, but any time either of their front two got the ball – especially Gray – they seemed to have the ability to wrong-foot and worry our defence. Our team with their two forwards could go a long way in this division, I thought.

At half-time, we’d had a good half of competitive and constructive football, and both sides and sets of fans had things to look forward to.

Second half we started well for about 10 minutes, with Lines having a long run finishing with an effort that just missed and Disley missing a sitter, but then we ran out of steam and ideas. They weren’t much better, and the highlight of the half was when a handful of Gasheads started singing ‘on the pitch’. The tannoy took the bait and respectfully reminded all fans that it is an offence to go on the pitch, asking that we should all refrain from doing so. There was only one thing to do – all the Gasheads started singing ‘on the pitch’. The boys in luminous green responded by forming a long line in front of our fans. Tee hee!

Orient had one break down the right where someone, maybe Rigg?, lost his man and Aaron Lescott scrambled it away around the post. Whoever it was got a rollocking from about 5 Rovers players that showed that they weren’t treating this as an end-of-season runaround at all.

Willo and JKD came on, but made little or no difference. Someone near to me said ‘he’s not good enough to wear those boots’, and I knew what they meant.

Orient got a goal out of nowhere, and we went a bit flat but gave a deafening chorus of Irene to show end-of-season spirit. Now we’ll need 3, I though to myself, as Ibehre hasn’t got his goal yet.

Orient then got another after someone skied a clearance into the six-yard box, Phillips fumbled it and it was bundled into the goal. It looked like a foul on the goalie to me, but the ref (who had a good game overall, I thought) saw no offence and we ended the season on a 3-1 defeat. And, of course, it was Ibehre who toe-poked it in.

So not with a bang but a whimper. My MOTM was the Gasheads, without whom it would have been a pretty dull affair. The players and Trolls came out to give us a clap, but we all went home feeling pretty darn average. Roll on August!

Black Arab has learned that plans have been made to play on Durdham Downs in Bristol for the next two seasons.

Rovers have negotiated a ground breaking deal with Downs League side Torpedo, to use their pitch. 

Rovers will be introducing a revolutionary concept, the drive in stadium. Instead of using expensive temporary stands requiring planning permission, segregation and stewards, fans will be asked to drive to the ground and park facing the pitch. The Supporters Club are currently negotiating a deal with Stagecoach to hire several double decker buses.

The drive in stadium has another advantage in that floodlighting will not be necessary as the club will utilise car headlights for night matches. Catering and corporate hospitality will be undertaken by the hot dog van that parks by the water tower.

Black Arab applauds and condones this move. It's a ground with loads of parking, it's in Bristol and it won't cost anything. It's certainly better than any of the other alternatives the board have come up with so far.

The shirt, designed by Errea, is a unique take on the traditional Black Arab design of a yellow sash on a black shirt.

 The design has been reversed to aid visibility as we play on the downs with no floodlighting next year.

 The extra sashes form a fashionable and interesting star shape merging with next season's sponsors logo.

Black Arab loves it. We really do!

No real need to point out Fulham’s strengths and weaknesses here…we played them the other week and we’ve been highlighted to death on Sky Sports News ever since. They will however be without new signing Brede Hangelaand who is inelegible due to some cockamamie FA rule about replays.

This time, the media will be  drooling at the prospect of recording another FA Cup giant-killing that will have the armchair fans of the world recalling the passion of “The World’s greatest club competition”, Hereford’s dearest son – Ronnie Radford and Nathan ‘The Duke’ Ellington’s hat-trick at Derby six (Yes, six!) years ago.

Realistically, Fulham will come, get their goals, ease their manager’s blood pressure and bugger off back to London looking forward to the fourth round.

But fear not, good ladies and gentlemen…as Rovers may prove to have a few sneaky Aces up the sleeve when it comes to this glamorous showdown.

Firstly, Fulham will not have played on a pitch as ‘Emotionally troubled’ as the Memorial for quite some time. Thinking about it…it would probably be the year they played at Stamford Bridge when it had the temporary ‘beach’ effect going on.

Their passing will be disrupted, running more difficult and after all, the spirits and aura’s on this turf all wear blue and white. Or rugby jerseys.

Now doubt, commentators and fans alike will be pinning a lot of hopes on the rejuvenated Andy “Crooner” Williams, who has found a rich vein of form in his last three league appearances.

The early money says Grand Leader Trollope will stick with the same troops that plundered the points from Prenton Park last Friday, with the new-look midfield of “Sir” Chris Lines and Danny Coles taking root in the team-sheet (Albeit with Lines now working his Rolls-Royce passing from the left). But after a good sub perfomance on Saturday, Craig Disley might well squeeze his way in to the starting 11. 

These aside, Rovers will also look for another sterling performance from Rickie Lambert, the quiet, sizeable scouser up front who will look to make an impression up front with his unquestionable footballing intelligence.

Even though a fear of jinxing the match runs through me, I cant help but think a well worked move between Lambert and Williams will give the Gas at least one chance to dirty Annti Niemi’s sheet at the Mem.

Rovers are of course relying on the FA Cup again for a route into Europe as we are already out of the Carling Cup and I doubt we will break into the top 6 of the Premiership unless some radical spending is implemented within the next few days.

Fantasies put to the back of my mind for one second, I will be happy with a gutsy performance from the boys in blue, combined with a closely-fought loss.

Obviously I would loves us to book our place in Round 4, but one does have to be realistic, we have come a long way, but expecting home wins versus Premiership opposition is still on the to-do list.

Good luck boys, may your FA Cup dreams still be active come bedtime on Tuesday night!

Tranmere Rovers, ever associated with our Leyland DAF misery, sit relatively pretty in 9^th position in League One, 8 points ahead of the Mighty Blue and White Quarters.

There are reasons to remain very realistic about this trip up to the Wirral; their home defence is as tight as a ducks arse on the Mersey and they are registering just shy of a goal-and-a-half each home fixture. If that is possible.

Their main threat comes in the familiar face of Chris Greenacre, a striker in the mould of Jamie Forrester who has managed to notch up 6 goals in the league and has also snaffled himself 3 in the FA Cup.

In this Gashead’s opinion, Rovers will make the most out of this trip if they can keep experienced midfielder Chris Shuker under wraps; an active little player who has the ability to unlock defences with a killer ball and has also registered a couple of long-range beauties in recent seasons (From my memory of Soccer AM round-ups).

Draw no semi-conclusions on this fixture boys and girls, from the statistics and league table, this looks like it could turn into a traditional midweek league scrap…wet, muddy and the team with the most determined players can nick it from the more talented.

This may work in our favour, as makeshift midfield maestros “Sir” Chris Lines and Danny Coles may even keep fit-again Craig Disley and suspension-completed Stuart Campbell out of the starting eleven.

If this is the case, it will be a major test for the youthful Lines to show his worth in a muck and bullets type match, as well as the glamour fixture Fulham made for us on Sunday. No doubt, if he gets his head up as much as Sunday and sticks to the simple passes he could turn out to be one of the early positives this season can bring.

Regarding positives, this could develop into a fruitful month for Rovers, as it may see the return of Ryan Green, Byron “Lord” Anthony and our tan-tastic son from Trowbridge (Lewis Haldane, for the benefit of our partially sighted fans).

This coupled with some solid movements in the transfer market could well see which direction the Rovers ship is going to sail in the second half of the season.

The web-monkeys on the Official Forum have tempted another instance of Clive-Platt-like fate by trumpeting Rovers’ love of Jeff Hughes, a wonderful left-sided player currently plying his trade with the (B)eagles at Crystal Palace.

Gasheads should be known to his obvious quality, as he smashed 3 strikes past us and set up one in the play-off semi finals for Lincoln last season.

All this rumour-mill nonsense aside, I hope you all managed to get your Fulham tickets and my sincere apologies to those who didn’t.

However, on a (hopefully) more positive note, lets hope for a good performance up in the North-West and at least a point for the boys in blue.

Yours still, Taunton Gas.

Hardly a surprise I know, it was much trailed and the speculation was that the signing had been agreed when the loan deal was done.

Coles is a Bristolian, which is good and seems like a solid and dependable centre back to me. His performances in the first team started a little nervously, but have been gradually improving.

The speculation continues that there are at least another two signings imminent. The Troll watched Fleetwood at FGR before joining up with the squad for the Fulham match and we are also apparantley trailing Jamie Mackie at Exeter and ex-Lincoln left winger Jeff Hughes, currently at Crystal Palace.  There is even the sniff of a loan signing of a young forward from Watford. 

 Watch this space!